Surviving

I'm writing today because I feel the need to send into the universe my grief and reclaim my power. Just maybe someone else will also be able to reclaim their power too.

Powerless, afraid, sad, alone, stuck, future-less, broken, pain... I was a little kid and did not have the words to explain my feelings and didn't know there was one word to describe all the feelings.

Nearly 30 years ago I learned what it felt like to be a the victim of sexual assault. It took a decade to reclaim my power and banish the word victim from my vocabulary. I learned some valuable lessons; I could chose my path and did not need to be defined by the choice of another person to perpetrate a crime.

I became a survivor.

Today that dirty word, victim, crept back into my vocabulary. I don't want it there.

About a month ago a stranger broke into my home and sexually assaulted me.

Initially it was easy to call myself a survivor...

I was in shock. It took a week to remember to do all the steps of bathing myself, I even forgot to wash the conditioner out of my hair.

Then it was denial; "I was just a little event, no big deal..." I was frustrated I was not functioning well; my memory and concentration were little or none, I walked through my days like a zombie. 

There is still a lot of denial.

Today I feel like a victim.

This time my head can tell me many things are not true. I am not alone, I have experienced an outpouring of love and support from family, friends, co-workers and even some strangers in my local church group. My head says I am not broken, I am not powerless and there is a future for me. The fear is subsiding, I remind myself I have an alarm system and a dog.

Unfortunately the head can only do so much to convince the heart...

Maybe it's okay to feel like a victim for a while. Maybe it's okay to say, "I feel broken and powerless" and accept those feelings... after all no feeling is "bad or wrong." These feelings are uncomfortable and painful but pain is often part of healing. I know pushing feelings and thoughts away is not effective, sometimes it is necessary to sit in the feeling, acknowledge it is there, it's a valid feeling.

I wish I had the answer. I wish my past experience had created a perfect road map to travel through this event in record time. It didn't.

So today I will sit in this feeling for a while then do some things to take care of myself... nap, love on my pets, clean house, paint my toes, knit, eat something good for me, take a walk, reach out to a friend or two... I know I won't do all of them and that's okay too.

This feeling won't last forever but it won't go away overnight either... but it will go away because I am a survivor.

Suicide

A few months ago a coworker of mine died suddenly by committing suicide. I have been deeply affected by his death.

I have chosen to participate in the Walk Out of the Darkness event in Salt Lake City on Saturday September 15, 2012 in his memory. I am spreading the word that I am looking for sponsors.

Please consider donating a dollar.

Fingerless gloves - Crochet

I haven't written up this pattern but wanted to share this idea for my crocheting friends out there.

This idea is a simple way to make a fingerless glove that fits well. Working in the back loops creates a stretchy fabric and eliminates the need to add or subtract stitches for shaping.

I used worsted weight yarn and a 'H' hook. Make a chain as long as you want your glove measuring from the top of the palm. Crochet in back loop until the glove fits snugly around your wrist and loosely around your palm. Join into a tube leaving a hole for your thumb about 1.5 inches from the top.

You can leave the thumb as it is or sculpt a thumb cover. That's the tricky part. I will write this up later.

This idea can easily be altered. For a lacy version double or triple crochet and chain one or three between each stitch on one row then alternated on the next rows.

No means NO - Rape

I'm keeping this posting brief. It's really a rant I want to make to someone I don't want to maintain contact with.

I went out with this guy, he was nice and I kind of liked him. He was a bit pushy but I thought I'd give him a chance. Against my better judgement I let him come to my home at 9:30 pm. Now in my book meeting after 8:00 pm is questionable and at 10:00 pm it's a booty call. I made it clear to this guy before I let him come over that I was not interested in a booty call. He said I should stop thinking 10 pm is a booty call.

He came over and was still pushy but seemed to be respecting my boundaries for a while then he stopped. I won't give details, lets just say he kept pushing at my boundaries trying to get me to let him have what he wanted despite being told no. I had started to worry he would not take no for an answer. Finally instead of saying, "not tonight" and kindly pushing him away I used my no-nonsense voice to say, "No" and pushed harder.

He stopped.

Clearly he - like some other men I've been around - doesn't understand no means no. Pushing and coercing equals rape.  Most law is now written that a person only needs to say 'no' once for your action to be rape. No MEANS NO!

Today when I told him I have no interest in seeing him again and let him know he showed he does not respect me and can not trust him he says, "I don't think we did anything wrong." WE? Listen buddy, I'm proud of myself for standing my ground. YOU did do something wrong.

It's a girl!

My niece was born on March 17, 2012. She is tiny and may not be wearing the cardi I made until late summer or early fall, I hope it isn't too warm. I also made a blanket, booties and a hat. The blanket is lacy so it should be fine to use all summer.

They named her Necia. (Neesha)

Chicks at 10 weeks

My first batch of chicks went in the coop tonight essentially on their own... They got a little coaching from the wind, a little coaching from the scary lawn mower and a little coaching from me to get them the rest of the way in the coop.

Let's see if they remember this lesson tomorrow. :)

Here is a pic of a pair from that batch when they were a week old.

Chickens

A few weeks ago I got my first batch of chicks for this year and next weekend I get my second batch.

I love seeing little balls of fluff turn into funny looking, pin covered dinosaurs.

I have two silkies, two Plymouth rocks, two black sex links, four polish and three Easter eggers. Not much more to say about it but so excited I wanted to share.

Here is a picture of of my cochin chicks from last year.